Bar jokes

Carp

Carp

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Nov 27, 2017
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Red Lion Pa
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guinness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
 
Old couple sitting on their porch swing.
Old Lady looks at her old man and slaps the shit out of him.

Old Man asks. "What the Hell was that for?"
Old Lady says. "That's for 50 years of bad sex."

The old Man thinks about this a minute and slaps the shit out of his old lady.

Old Lady Asks. "What the HELL was that for?"
Old Man says. "That's, for knowing the damn difference."
 
Good one madmax. Though I have a question for you? Are you sure this is not you???? Hahahahaah
 
Red Dawn is sitting in the bar when bullet walks in and orders up 6 shots of Jack, and slams them one after another, flipping each shot glass over and finishing in like 3 minutes.
Red Dawn was like "Wow Bullet, celebrating something?"
Bullet "Yep, first blow job."

Red Dawn. "Well hell let me get you a couple shots too."
Bullet. "Nah it is cool man, if 6 shots does not get rid of that taste from my mouth, I don't think 2 more will either."

:excitement:
 
Simpson walks into a bar and sees a sign above the bar reading 'TRY OUR UNWINNABLE COMPETITION AND WIN FREE TEQUILA FOR LIFE'

Simpson says 'great' and asks the bartender how to enter.
The bartend says 'You gotta pass three challenges - nobody ever has'
Simpson replies 'OK do your fucking worst!'
'Alright well first you gotta drink this entire jug half-gallon of tequila and be able to stand straight after. Then you gotta go out back and pull a rotten tooth from Butch, our german shepherd.'
'OK that is a cake walk - what's last?'
'Third and final challenge is we've got my 92 year old grandma upstairs and she's never had an orgasm in her life - you gotta grant her lifelong wish.'
'Simpson jumps up and yell's, I'm game!!'

So Simpson downs the jug of tequila and starts sweating big-time.
'You OK?' asks the barkeep
'No problem - I'm taking it ALL down'
Simpson slowly gets up and staggers for a bit and says 'OK I'm heading out to take care of the dog!'
The barkeep and patrons listen for several minutes as thrashing, screaming, and sounds of an epic struggle come from outside.

Simpson suddenly stumbled back in, bloodied and bruised and shouts 'OK THAT's DONE! WHERE'S THE LADY WITH THE BAD TOOTH?'
 
madmax that was cold as and ice under another ice. Though, I shall remember that one. That for sure I will laugh at the end. Sucker :p
 
I'm unsure this is a Bar Joke But it is funny:

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive.
In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children,
the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"


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